It’s 9.27 and I’m watching a Korean drama, it usually goes well with my morning coffee. Though I only drink coffee in the mornings.

The dialogue goes like this:

Daughter: Where are you going? You can’t go.

Father: Soon Ae …

Daughter: You have to stay here a bit longer. What do you expect Kyung Mo to do here alone? You have to see Kyung Mo get married and see your grandkids. Let’s meet again after that, okay? When we meet again then … we can live happily for a 1.000 or 10.000 years together. I’ll be born again as your daughter.

Which reminds me what an asshole I’ve been to my father for some time. The financial situation at home has not been perfect for some time now, and I blame him for it. I know he has his best intentions at heart, but wouldn’t consider the worst possible outcome, and of course, it happened to us.
I’m going abroad to study in less than a month, he owes me money that I doubt I’ll get back before I go, he doesn’t have any, we’re broke and in debt. And yes, I blame him.

He wants to have small conversations with me, but I ignore him because I am angry with him. that makes him sad; it was a hell of a year for our family, we lost so much, at some point we thought we are going to lose him as well.

But I still ignore him because I am angry.

Why can’t I get it through my head, that he’s the only father I have, and that I will regret it if I don’t behave well now?

But I still ignore him because I am angry.

I can’t forget the years I wasn’t able to spend with him because he was working, he never noticed something is wrong with me because he was working. I don’t have a father-daughter connection with him, because he was working, and because I didn’t let him in when he tried.

But he’s the only father I have. And I ignore him because I am angry.

I am angry that we are in debt. I am angry I can’t ever do things the way I want because it’s always in the back of my head that maybe they’ll need to borrow money to pay the bills. I can’t be selfish like that. I can’t just go and have a summer I want to have. I work for him, free of charge because he doesn’t have the money to pay me.

So I ignore him because I’m angry.


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