I got myself incredibly sad today, and I’m writing this while I’m still in tears and trying not to be loud so people from other rooms don’t hear me and think something tragic had happened to me.
You know you get yourself wind up in these sort of thoughts and you just can’t let it go, well, I can’t.
So the first thing is:
I met with one guy two days ago, we had a nice time, the conversation was flowing etc. When we left the bar he said he’ll walk me to my station but seemed to have a change of heart pretty soon, so we walked in another bar (really interesting looking, made inside of rows). So I started telling a story about what I think happened in this rows before they became a pub. Sometime afterwards we started kissing and planned on continuing in his flat. His roommate situation prevented it and we ended up walking the streets and talking about random stuff. After we walked in one open theatre and we ended up kissing there as well. Around 11.30 pm we said our goodbyes and left.
I’ve spent the whole next day thinking about it. And in my head he appears as the kind of a guy I would want to be in a relationship with, don’t ask me why, I tend to over analyse everything and create weird scenarios. I ended up telling two of my friends about it, and I’ve asked them for their opinion whether I should ask him out again, knowing, he’ll probably say no, and knowing he doesn’t have the time to meet right now and he’s leaving for good in a few days. They both said I should because I have nothing to lose, so I did. As expected, he doesn’t have the time. We might meet if he manages, but it’s not likely.
Now this breaks my heart a bit, I would love to spend another few hours with that person, and because I know it’s not possible, I’m tearing up. It appears I’m sensitive like that.
I am also having these thoughts that I will forever be alone and that no one is able to love me. My hormones must be raging because I feel the need to be love so strongly at the moment, I am positive I would jump in the arms of the first stranger who would look like he can love me. And that is messed up.
And the second thing is:
I have the habit of checking for jobs when I’m studying for exams so I give myself a little pep talk ‘you can do it!’. It worked well when I thought I can work in S Korea as an English teacher, turns out, I can’t. My nationality isn’t good enough. But nevermind that … I checked open jobs in my country (I’m graduating in the summer) … one job. One job opening. There are 13 of us in my class. Probably around 600 in the whole country. I will be jobless. It breaks my heart that I’ve given 5 years of my life to this and it gives me back nothing. And it makes me feel even worse that I was such an idiot to continue doing my Master’s in this field as well.
I am studying something useless and unimportant. What was I thinking? No one needs a teacher of Slovenian language, no one.
And my pessimism get’s the best of me. So here I am, crying in my bathrobe with wet hair.