It annoys me when you do your best to comfort me because I am not able to return the favour when you’re upset. And you stay there, and lay next to me and hush in my ears ‘all is gonna be okay, I am here’. I know, I see you; but why? I’m embarrassed because I cry in front of you, and I know there’s gonna be a breaking point when you will not be able to take my sadness any more. I don’t know why I cry. You’re unfortunate  enough to have met me in this period of life when my depression and anxieties are having a ball. I am sorry.

I see I immasculate you with my behaviour. I don’t mean to. I am going to lash out sometimes and it’s gonna be ugly. And you say you’re happy because you haven’t seen me mad before. And if I would know how beautiful I am when I smile I’d smile all the time.

and this is not a romantic comedy. I am not blue a little and it’s gonna pass after I cry a little bit. I have lost my motivation. I can’t keep up with my work. I am not able to pick stuff up from the floor.

My books are there. My notes are there. My credit cards are there. My bills are there.

I’m afraid to meet with you because I think you’ll end up with an ugly mark.


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