I’m in midst of my sadness, I was good for a couple of days, but mostly, not.

Yesterday I felt like ending it all, I was contemplating driving my car in the wall, or driving into a truck. Quick, painless death. And than I thought about driving my parents car, and realising they’d be carless. So I stopped the car and cried my soul out. When I came home I had to pretend I’m okay.

I can’t tell them what’s wrong with me. Every time I answer ‘How are you?’ with ‘I am not okay’, they’re scared. So scared.

I tried to release my agony in the gym. I over done myself and nearly fainted in the dressing room. I don’t know why I’m so self-destructive recently. I am not okay.

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After six months you left me; you’re no longer interested in being romantic with me. Suddenly that’s too personal. Kissing me is too intimate now. So you kissed my forehead until I made you tell me – why. What’s the matter.

And you say you want to taste the dating ground, meet new people, date new people, and you’re not ready to be in a relationship, and that you could never love me. So you want to leave me behind, because if you end everything now, and tell me how it is, I will remain your friend, your best friend, because you tell me everything, we get along so well, and you don’t want to lose that.

But that doesn’t work, does it? I cannot be your friend, and pretend all is alright, just because you decided so. You think I can just forget it all and move on. I can’t.

”Don’t cry, nothing happened”, it happened to me. I fell in love. You know it, I know it. Your decisions hurt me.

If I am to respect your decisions, and not see you romantically anymore, then you are to respect mine: I cannot see you as a friend.

Yes, I love you. Yes, I am fond of you. And yes, I love myself enough to allow myself to let you go.

He replied.

Turns out, he stopped being friends with me because he is in a relationship now. Really, really?

You stopped being friends with me because you got a girlfriend?

Waw. Amazing.

I did not know you can trash a few years worth of friendship just because you are in a relationship now.

If this is what a relationship requires, then I am glad I am single.

I got myself incredibly sad today, and I’m writing this while I’m still in tears and trying  not to be loud so people from other rooms don’t hear me and think something tragic had happened to me.

You know you get yourself wind up in these sort of thoughts and you just can’t let it go, well, I can’t.

So the first thing is:

I met with one guy two days ago, we had a nice time, the conversation was flowing etc. When we left the bar he said he’ll walk me to my station but seemed to have a change of heart pretty soon, so we walked in another bar (really interesting looking, made inside of rows). So I started telling a story about what I think happened in this rows before they became a pub. Sometime afterwards we started kissing and planned on continuing in his flat. His roommate situation prevented it and we ended up walking the streets and talking about random stuff. After we walked in one open theatre and we ended up kissing there as well. Around 11.30 pm we said our goodbyes and left.

I’ve spent the whole next day thinking about it. And in my head he appears as the kind of a guy I would want to be in a relationship with, don’t ask me why, I tend to over analyse everything and create weird scenarios. I ended up telling two of my friends about it, and I’ve asked them for their opinion whether I should ask him out again, knowing, he’ll probably say no, and knowing he doesn’t have the time to meet right now and he’s leaving for good in a few days. They both said I should because I have nothing to lose, so I did. As expected, he doesn’t have the time. We might meet if he manages, but it’s not likely.

Now this breaks my heart a bit, I would love to spend another few hours with that person, and because I know it’s not possible, I’m tearing up. It appears I’m sensitive like that.

I am also having these thoughts that I will forever be alone and that no one is able to love me. My hormones must be raging because I feel the need to be love so strongly at the moment, I am positive I would jump in the arms of the first stranger who would look like he can love me. And that is messed up.

And the second thing is:

I have the habit of checking for jobs when I’m studying for exams so I give myself a little pep talk ‘you can do it!’. It worked well when I thought I can work in S Korea as an English teacher, turns out, I can’t. My nationality isn’t good enough. But nevermind that … I checked open jobs in my country (I’m graduating in the summer) … one job. One job opening. There are 13 of us in my class. Probably around 600 in the whole country. I will be jobless. It breaks my heart that I’ve given 5 years of my life to this and it gives me back nothing. And it makes me feel even worse that I was such an idiot to continue doing my Master’s in this field as well.

I am studying something useless and unimportant. What was I thinking? No one needs a teacher of Slovenian language, no one.

And my pessimism get’s the best of me. So here I am, crying in my bathrobe with wet hair.

I had 3 dates this week: on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.

I have met Wednesday’s and Thursday’s guys on Tinder, and with the other one I’ve been chatting for some months now but I’ve met him on some other site by a chance.

I’ve been chatting with the W guy a week before we met, we’ve exchanged Whatsapps and continued there. I realised he’s a very weird dude, so I stopped chatting with him. On Wednesday, he texted me again saying he’s in the city and we should meet. And I thought where’s the harm, it’s still light outside and nothing can happen to me. The whole meeting was weird, he tried to persuade me that the problem is in me, because I’m having problems with intimacy etc. etc. … and that I shouldn’t be scared of a little HIV because that’s nothing. In the end, he said that he wishes to experience the end of the world with me because it would make me run into his arms (as you know, natural women instinct blabla). I politely said: dear boy, my first instinct would be to run away from you. The word battle continued but I think I won, next morning he texted me again and asked to meet, I said no. Enough crazy for one life.

T guy … I said to meet at one part of the city, also because he’s currently staying there and it would be easier (and I could stay on the same metro line) … I arrived a few minutes late, and he’s nowhere to be found tho he claims to be at the bar and it’s impossible for him not to be noticed … After a few minutes I’ve realised he’s at a different pub, on the other side of the city. Okay, it took me a rough 30 minutes to get there. The whole chat then was okay, but he was a tad boring. When it was the time to leave he said that he really can’t go on his own to his place because he doesn’t know how to find it (he had no data on mobile and in his excuse I told him not to use taxies and ubers because public transport is on point) so I told him I’ll walk him home. We were standing at the stairs and he starts to hug me from behind, so okay, I though, maybe he’s a bit tipsy, I brushed it off. Finally, we’re at his street when he tries to get me into his apartment. He wasn’t drunk. He was just trying to get into my pants. I said goodbye and left.

F guy. We went for a long walk and had a nice chat.  He remembered from our conversation that I like walks and nice views much more than drinking in pubs. There was no awkward silence because he always picked up the conversation when the silence started. He didn’t try to make a move on me which I really appreciate. After our walk he politely asked if I don’t mind if we say goodbye on the spot, he wished me a safe drive home and left. We’re meeting again the next Friday. The only downside of it, he’s smaller than me, I swear, I think I’m still growing.

 

I decided to continue on testing the dating scene to see what I actually like. I’m 25 and I’ve never dated before, it sounds crazy, doesn’t it?